Chapter 21

Disclaimer – I don’t own them. I just want to play with the Viking!

Chapter 21

The peaceful feeling he brought with him stilled my movements. I was able to keep my body from shaking as it had been a moment ago. I knew I should acknowledge him, but I couldn’t. I had no words, so we stood there in silence. I closed my eyes causing the tears that were pooled there to drip down my face. I knew he didn’t like seeing a woman cry. He had told me as much. What’s the difference? I had already been crying when I was on the stage and it had continued as I rushed out of the room.

I took a very shaky breath and exhaled slowly. I tried to stop the tears, but I was on emotional overload and I couldn’t keep them from following the tracks laid out on my cheeks.

“Chelsea,” he whispered from behind me.

The way he spoke my name so reverently surprised me and sent a shiver down my back. If he hadn’t been so close, I wouldn’t have heard it. I lowered my head and my eyes remained closed while I searched for something to say. I couldn’t explain these feelings running through me. Were they all because I had his blood? What did he want from me?

“Are you all right?”

“Why?” I choked out.

“Why?” he repeated, confused by my question.

“Why did you do that to me?”

“Is it not obvious?”

No! It wasn’t fucking obvious! What had I done to cause him to open up to me? Why only to me, and in secret? I was nobody, just a stupid fangirl with an irrational infatuation. At least that’s what I told myself. Though being this close to him, I didn’t really feel that way. I was no longer one of the faceless townies. Was I the friend he had me singing about, or was he only looking to elicit a reaction from me the way I had been trying to do with the others? He’d certainly gotten one. Could it be true that I really mattered to him? Nothing made sense. Again!

“Is that how you really feel?”

After a long pause, he finally answered.

“Yes.”

“Why would you show me?”

“I wanted…” he paused, looking for the right words.

“You wanted someone to know you,” I said.

“No!” he defended quickly.

“Then why?”

He touched my shoulder then and I relaxed into his hand. I allowed him to gently turn me around to face him. Placing his fingers under my chin, he raised my head. My eyes opened automatically of their own accord to look at him. He was so beautiful. The cut of his cheekbones and jaw, the dimple in his chin, it all drew me in. His blue eyes sparkled in the light from the street lamps accentuating the images of those crashing waves that always seemed to be there when I looked at him.

He was searching for something in mine. Understanding? Fear? Acceptance? I don’t know if he found it, though it was everything I was feeling jumbled together. Did he know that? Whatever it was, it caused his brow to furrow while he continued to try to pull the words from me. My eyes were wet with still more unshed tears. He brushed his thumbs under them removing the evidence of my earlier meltdown.

I couldn’t understand why he would want to show me something so private. I didn’t understand what was happening. I didn’t understand anything. I somehow knew no one had ever seen this side of him, not even Pam.

Maybe that was why she had been so mean to me from the start? She was jealous that he didn’t open up to her, despite their close relationship. No one had seen what was beneath the surface of his impassive mask. There was no mistaking that.

I hoped she and I were finally past it. At least for the moment, she seemed to have accepted that no matter what she did, I would not cower before her. I never had.

Eric slowly ran his fingers down my face, and I breathed easily for the first time in what seemed like forever. It was my turn to search is face. What I saw in his eyes was determination. His brow was still furrowed in concentration. He looked at me as he had done before, the same way they all had as if trying to answer an unspoken question.

“I wanted… I want you to know me,” he finally answered.

“Why me?”

“Do you truly need an explanation?”

He hands were cupping my face now as he spoke. I nodded and he stepped slightly closer.

“You are different, an enigma to me. That is rare. I feel entranced by you somehow. I cannot stop myself though admittedly, I have tried.”

“I could say the same.”

“Perhaps, but I do not like feeling. It makes me weak.”

“I’ve said that to myself a thousand times,” I laughed, finding no real humor in my words.

“You push your feelings away. Why?”

“I think that’s the question of the day. I’ve been wondering that about you,” I whispered trying to steer the conversation from me and my past failed relationship. It was why I kept my distance emotionally from everyone in my life except for JP.

I placed my hands over his partially lacing our fingers together.

I had a sharp intake of breath when I saw his eyes flicker to my lips before returning to meet my gaze.

Was he going to kiss me?

Oh. My. God!

I closed my eyes in anticipation while I raised my head further ready to meet him halfway.

I felt his breath on my face as he leaned in closer.

~~~

The moment was broken when I felt him stiffen. It was then that I heard the door open.

He took a step back, dropping his hands, and putting distance between us. I felt the loss of him immediately and opened my eyes as I heard someone clear their throat. Our moment had passed.

“Compton,” he said, though he was still staring into me.

“Eric,” Bill said flatly.

“What do you want?”

“I see she has collected herself. The two of you should return inside,” he said as he stepped outside entirely.

“What do you want?” he asked again, finally turning to look at Bill.

“Sookeh and her friend are concerned. Don’t you think it has been long enough?” he asked in his stupid, Southern accent that only served to piss me off.

Who the fuck was he? The time police?

At the mention of Sookie, I saw Eric bristle and his eyes narrowed at Bill before his gaze fixed on me once again. His voice had lost its tender timbre and he was all business when he spoke to me again. It was as if the last few minutes had never happened.

“He is right,” he stated.

“But I…” I tried.

“They are waiting for you,” he said, averting his eyes from mine.

I could feel that he was glad nothing had happened between us when he was reminded of Sookie. She was the one he really wanted. Only this cock-blocking time keeper stood in his way.

Yes, he wanted me to know him, but it was now apparent that he didn’t want me. If he had, he would have simply told Bill to leave. I told myself we had both been caught up in the moment when he was consoling me, yet again.

I was a fool in that brief moment we’d shared to think differently. Why was I continually letting my guard down around him? My dreams were not reality.

I shot Bill a nasty glare before trying once again to meet Eric’s eyes. When I did, his face was resigned and his eyes were distant and cold. It was like a slap in the face.

I felt like an idiot, and I schooled my features as the walls I kept around my heart slowly began to rebuild one brick at a time. What were you thinking, Cricket? He could never want you!

“Go away,” I said to Bill trying to sound forceful. My shaky my voice betrayed me. In truth, I was slightly afraid of him.

“Oh for God’s sake, Eric, this has gone on long enough! Just tell her to go inside.”

“I have no reason to tell her to do anything, but please, be my guest.”

He stepped further back gesturing toward me.

Be his guest? What the fuck?! Did he really just say that? Did he really just give Bill ‘permission’ to control my actions? My anger grew in that moment, but now it was directed toward Eric.

Bill let out an aggravated huff and walked toward me. My eyes opened wide and I glanced at Eric incredulously. He nodded imperceptibly with a slight smirk. I took it to mean that Bill did not know anything about me and I quickly thought I understood why he had been so cavalier in his words.

Despite his intentions, however, it didn’t stop my anger. I wanted to slap that smirk right off of his face.

Bill stepped to me and placed his hands on my upper arms. I heard Eric growl when he touched me. I ignored it as did Bill when he looked directly at me. I watched his eyes while they changed to something…different. His stare was indescribable. It became soft and gentle as if he was trying to charm me. Yeah right!

“You will return inside and finish your performance. Whatever you think happened between you and Eric was a fantasy concocted by your imagination, nothing more. A moment ago, you stepped outside alone for some fresh air before returning alone back into the tavern,” he said.

I only looked at him and kept my face blank.

“Tell me you understand.”

“I understand. It was a fantasy concocted by my imagination,” I repeated, knowing it was true. It embarrassed me to come to that realization. Inside I felt like crying all over again.

“Good girl. Go on now,” he said, releasing me from his grasp and nudging me in the direction of the door.

Good girl?  Asshole! I wanted to lash out at him, but I didn’t. I simply walked past them both, never glancing again at Eric. When the door closed behind me, I heard them talking, but I couldn’t hear what they were saying. In that moment, I didn’t care enough to try.

~~~

I approached the bar and spoke to Dan briefly. I wanted to change the songs I had planned to sing. It no longer made a difference to me. I had nothing to prove anymore. I felt broken.

When I walked back into the main room, I went directly to the stage and took the mic.

“I’m so sorry, everyone. I hadn’t planned on taking that long. I apologize for keeping you waiting. I’d like to continue, if you are all still willing to listen,” I smiled at them.

I was met with loud applause and sounds of approval. It made me feel better, so I decided to try and forget what happened outside, and, more importantly, what almost happened.

I saw them return a moment later and I watched Bill return to his seat beside Sookie, taking her hand, while Eric took his place next to Pam. She looked at him, but he shook his head slightly and she let it go.

When he turned his head to the stage, I looked away. Childish? Yes, but budding friendship or not, I’d stupidly let him hurt me. I’d let him get too close. It had only taken that one moment for me to realize what I almost lost of myself. This time I would stop it before it went too far.

When the music started, I turned to JP. He didn’t know exactly what brought it on, but he would know what it meant. He shook his head sadly at me, and I saw a tear fall from his eye as he watched me.  

I steeled myself and started the first verse.

I finally kept my pride and hailed a cab

Those cuttin’ words you said were the last stab

There’ll be no tears this time, they’ve all dried up

No more sweet poison, I already drank that cup

This tunnel’s dark, but there’s a little light glowing

Just enough for me to run towards knowing

Nothing in this world will ever break my heart again

Nothing in this world will ever break my heart again

No pain this life will put me through will ever, ever hurt like you

I glanced at Eric. His brows were drawn in and his eyes looked pained. He could think what he wanted. This song wasn’t about him. It was about me. These last few days, hell in the last half hour, I had almost let myself fall completely, but I wouldn’t let that happen again.

Don’t need a miracle, a superhero

There’s only one way up when you’re at zero

You took my innocence, but it was knowing

No I don’t need you, and that made me a woman

I paid my dues, but it’s a debt I’m done paying

I’m standing strong, but I’m still on my knees praying

That nothing in this world will ever break my heart again

Nothing in this world will ever break my heart again

No pain this life will put me through will ever, ever hurt like you

Long ago, I had sung this song over and over until I had built my barriers, and JP was the only one who could get through. As much as JP had hated it, he hadn’t interfered. When I was finally numb, he had taken the CD from me.

Nothing in this world will ever break my heart again

No, no, no

Nothing in this world will ever break my heart again

No, no, no

Nothing in this world will ever break my heart again

I looked back at JP and although he and many others were crying, my eyes were dry.

~~~

I allowed him a minute to mourn the loss of the new person I was becoming. He had been trying to get me to let someone else into my heart for quite some time, ever since the lying, cheating, asshole. He would probably try again, but I felt whole, like myself behind my reinforced walls. He should know that. Emotion was something I felt in the music and that was the only time I would let it show.

I smiled and thanked the room before directing my attention back to JP.

“Peej, will you join me for a song?”

He looked at me in shock and shook his head. He only sung at home or at karaoke when he was drunk, like when he saved me with Maggie earlier in the week, but I needed him now.

“Naw, Cricket, I can’t do your voice justice,” he said.

“Please, sweetie?”

He saw the need in my eyes. Those at his table encouraged him and soon the crowd joined in. He finally stood and made his way to me on the stage.

“Thank you,” I mouthed to him.

He smiled and kissed me on the cheek before we pulled the two stools that were on the stage in front of the mic stands adjusting the height. I placed my mic back on the stand and I looked to Dan to start the music.

“Guurl, don’t do this to yourself. This song isn’t about you,” he whispered far away from the microphone.

I fought back a laugh knowing it didn’t occur to him that everyone in the room with supernatural hearing had heard what he’d said. I only smiled back at him.

The song was about me and regardless of what he said, he knew it. At the very least, he knew it was what I believed and I needed him there beside me. He understood me like no one else ever would.

When I started singing, I kept my eyes locked on his.

Don’t you try to tell me someone’s waiting

They’re not waiting for you

Oh and don’t you try to tell me that you’re wanted

That you’re needed

Cause it’s not true

I know why you’re lonely

It’s time you knew it too

No one will ever love you

No one will ever love you

No one will ever love you like I do

He swallowed hard before his verse began. He was nervous, so when I reached over and held his hand, I could feel him relax.

Why you always looking for the limelight?

Ain’t you satisfied with me?

Oh, for once why don’t you get down off your high heels

You’re no big deal

Can’t you see?

I knew it pained him to sing those words to me. Emotion was thick in his voice. He didn’t want to hurt me. His relief came when I joined him again and we sang the rest together.

I know why you’re lonely

It’s time you knew it too

No one will ever love you

No one will ever love you

No one will ever love you like I do

I’m all you got

I’m all you’ll ever need

I’m all you’ll ever have

No one will ever love you

No one will ever love you like I do

Like I do

What JP didn’t realize was that it wasn’t hurting me. It was true. No one would love me like he did. It was unconditional between us.

It made me think of the secret words of the song from Eric. He was trying to let me in. I reminded myself that with the exception of his behavior in front of Bill, he had only shown me respect and taken care of me. He protected me and saved me.

Those two songs had put things back in perspective for me and I wouldn’t let some hurt feelings keep me building a friendship with him. I wasn’t a child. I understood that he had to have that face in front of Bill. He was different when he was with me and I wouldn’t just shut him out. I wanted to be there for him as he had been there for me.

~~~

I sang several more duets, inviting anyone who wanted to join me onstage. The heavy-handed emotionally laden songs were put aside and were replaced with light-hearted and fun songs. Everyone was having a good time and each person’s voice coincided with mine in perfect tune. Even Pam joined me at one time and there was no tension between us. My voice continued to enthrall them all and I believed it was a night that many would remember with fondness. It was much more relaxing than the night had begun with my initial ridiculous ideas of ‘outing’ everyone and getting them to admit anything.

As the night continued, I saw faces smiling and laughing with one exception. Eric.

His eyes stayed glued to me. He never relaxed. No more smirks, no more grins, not even a raised eyebrow was given in my direction. His face remained stoic the entire night. I didn’t know why he didn’t just leave. Our brief ‘almost’ moment was long past. Bill saved him from making another mistake with me.

I, on the other hand, had let it go as the night wore on. I decided building a friendship with him, as he seemed to want, was more important than giving in to some silly romantic notion of a tryst that would only be for one night anyway.

I thought again about his song. This man truly wanted someone to see through to what was underneath and inside. He had picked me to be that person, and just because I had acted like an ass afterward didn’t mean I couldn’t show him that it was forgiven and forgotten.

As the night wound down, I was deciding on my final song. Fuck it! I was going to play with him a little.

“I appreciate everyone coming out tonight and especially those who had the courage to come up here and sing with me. It takes guts to stand up in front of everyone. You guys did great! I had a wonderful time and I hope you did, too. So, I’m going to give you one more and call it a night. Let’s see, who will be my next victim?”

The audience cheered and clapped all looking around to see who would get to sing the final song with me.

I pretended to look around the room at the happy faces of my new fans until I settled on one.

“Eric? How about you? You’ve been quiet the whole night. Why don’t you come up and sing the last song with me?”

As soon as the words left my mouth, the room fell completely silent. When I say silent, I mean, you couldn’t even hear anyone breathing. All eyes went to me with expressions of shock and then almost in sync slowly trailed to look at a very pissed off Eric. The jocularity was gone replaced by apprehension and uncomfortable shifting in chairs.

The only person in the room who was grinning, widely I might add, was Pam. I was pretty certain she would regret that later, but in the moment, she couldn’t help herself as both of her eyebrows shot up and she looked at him giddily. At least she had a sense of humor.

He narrowed his eyes at me. I assumed he was trying to intimidate me. Tough luck, pal! I knew all along he wasn’t going to sing, but if we were going to be friends, real friends, he was going to have to learn to deal with my teasing. I dealt with his.

Another silent moment passed.

Seriously, I couldn’t have embarrassed him that bad. I was only kidding. Besides, Pam had told JP many stories about how much fun he was to be around on the set. Why was everyone so shocked? They didn’t know I knew or suspected anything. Hell, most of them probably didn’t really know themselves.

Apparently, I made a huge mistake. I had thought the lightheartedness I had intended would show him everything was all right between us. Obviously, I had not thought it through.

He remained in his seat without making a move or a sound. Fuck! How was I going to fix this?

“Oh, lighten up, everybody! I told you, I’ve only got one more in me. Did you all really think I was going to share my final spotlight?” I winked at the crowd trying to break the tension and show them I was kidding all along.

It worked and they laughed along with me before applauding my ‘joke’. The tension in the room dissipated immediately. Final call was announced and gave everyone a minute to get their drinks and settle back in. In the meantime, I took a drink of water and glanced back at Eric again. He no longer looked angry, but he was still not back to his usual self when he looked at me.

Pam got up and walked over to me. What are we in middle school? Does she have a note to pass from him? I smiled at her approach.

“Look, I know we started off on the wrong foot, but I enjoyed tonight and I hope we can be friends,” she said quickly.

“Really?” I said with some skepticism.

“I don’t like to repeat myself. If I said it, I meant it,” she deadpanned.

“In that case, I hope so too. You’ve already got my best friend wrapped around your finger,” I joked as we both looked over at JP who was flirting with Russell. I didn’t think Russell would hurt him, but I was still concerned.

“It seems that you have mine as well,” she replied. We both turned in the direction of said friend who was scowling at us.

“Yeah, I don’t think so.”

“Well, you shouldn’t have put him on the spot.”

“I know that now, but I was only kidding. You said he had a good sense of humor.”

“He does. This was just not the time. He was already upset.”

What the hell? Were we girlfriends now?

“I know. That was my fault too.”

“No, it was that jackass Compton.”

“Either way, I didn’t mean anything by it. There’s nothing I can do now, but wait for him to get over it, I guess.”

“He won’t talk to me about it, so I would suggest you just give it time and maybe keep your distance? Regardless if he likes you or not, he does have a temper and he’s known to hold a grudge.”

“Great.”

“Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that,” she said before she turned and walked back to their table.

He didn’t acknowledge her return and she sat quietly next to him giving me a subtle one shoulder shrug with the shoulder farthest away from him. I thought over her words. Was she trying to get me to leave him alone as she’d been since I’d known her or did she really want to be friends? I didn’t know where this newfound attitude with her came from or where it was going, but it was a nice change. I decided I wouldn’t question it for now.

~~~

I walked to the bar to tell Dan the final song I planned to sing. He poured me shot telling me that I looked like I needed a pick-me-up after a long night. He was right. I drank the shot and thanked him before returning to the stage.

I took one more drink of water before taking a deep breath preparing for the last song. The crowd was settled back in their seats and patiently waiting with anticipation.

I had chosen this song specifically for Eric, of course, and I hoped he heard in it what it meant. I looked into Eric’s detached eyes, still fixed on me while I mentally prepared. My walls were safely and securely built and where I needed them to be, but in this one moment, I decided to open the door and let him in for just a few minutes.

I looked at Dan and smiled. A few seconds later the music of KT Tunstall started to play. I left the mic on the stand and began to sing into it.

A fire burns

Water comes

You cool me down

When I’m cold inside

You are warm and bright

You know you are so good for me

There was no reaction from him at all, but I wouldn’t look away. I pushed more feeling toward him. I wanted the force of my voice to draw out the emotions as it had before from him. I simply wanted him to feel, to feel me.

With your child’s eyes

You are more than you seem

You see into space

I see in your face

The places you’ve been

The things you have learned

They sit with you so beautifully

You know there’s no need to hide away

You know I tell the truth

We are just the same

I can feel everything you do

Hear everything you say

Even when you’re miles away

Coz I am me, the universe and you

Just like stars burning bright

Making holes in the night

We are building bridges

He hadn’t realized it, nor do I think he intended it, but the look in his eyes had changed. His face remained blank, but his eyes were engaged. He was listening.

You know there’s no need to hide away

You know I tell the truth

We are just the same

And I can feel everything you do

Hear everything you say

Even when you’re miles away

I am me, the universe and you

And when you’re on your own

I’ll send you a sign

Just so you know

That I am me, the universe and you

I am the universe and you

When the song was over I expected to feel the tears, but they didn’t come. It was raw. It was honest. It was his. I didn’t look away. The audience stood to applaud. Neither of us moved for a few moments.

It wasn’t until he broke our gaze by standing and walking out that I closed my eyes and exhaled the breath that I had been holding. I heard the door close behind him.

Just like that, my door closed again too.

~~~

Aurelia Gliwiski as Chelsea ‘Cricket’ Kerrigan

Alexander Skarsgård as Alex/Eric Northman

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A/N: Thank you MsBuffy for your editing and encouragement! You’re the best, my friend!! Thank you to Gyllene for the incredible banner! Thank YOU ALL for reading!

You probably noticed that I only put Cricket and Eric’s pictures in this time. That’s because, though there are others in the chapter, this one is really just about them.  🙂

Music credits –

Nothing in this World Will Ever Break my Heart Again – Sarah Buxton and Kate York

No One Will Ever Love You – Steve McEwan and John Paul White 

Universe and U – KT Tunstall